Attachements Vs. Connections.
How To Spot The Difference For A Healthier Relationship.
A few days prior to the new year, I underwent a personal intervention and a breakup all in the same day.
Talk about a fresh start.
But it did reveal a great deal about the person I was and frankly, the person I had been for quite some time.
Now, I have remarkable friends (my ex-girlfriend among them) who, following what could be categorized as one of the toughest days of my life, all began to open my eyes to what it really meant to establish and maintain connections with people rather than attachments.
Spotting the subtle difference between the two can be elusive, it took me nearly two decades before I could clearly see how I had been conflating them.
But once certain habits are formed, I can guarantee you’ll be on your way to healthier and more sustainable relationships this year and beyond.
But before we continue, let’s define the two.
Attachments
The way I’ve come to understand attachment theory as proposed by British psychoanalyst John Bowlby, is through the core of its traditional relationship between a principal caregiver and an infant.
Researchers though the years have been able to observe further attachment behaviors among this primal dynamic which happens to fall into one of two distinct groups; secure and insecure.
- Children with secure attachments for instance, may be distressed upon separation from their caregiver but will warmly welcome them back through eye contact and hug-seeking.
Those with insecure attachments will most likely display one of the following:
- Anxious-resistant attachment describes a child who is frightened by separation and continues to display anxious behavior once the caregiver returns.
- Avoidant attachment denotes a child who reacts fairly calmly to a parent’s separation and does not embrace their return.
- Disorganized attachment is manifest in odd or ambivalent behavior toward a caregiver upon return — approaching then turning away from or even hitting the caregiver — and may be the result of childhood trauma.
Now the interesting part is the perceived association between a person’s attachment characteristics in childhood and how they carry over into adulthood.
The correlations as of now are far from completely understood but I for one, having recently been afforded the necessary perspective on my own relationships, can clearly identify and attest to certain attachment patterns with others which certainly began for me in child rearing and has subsequently carried on into adolescence and adulthood.
This included the tendency to foster new and existing relationships as primarily co-dependent, which is a topic of conversation in its own right but for the purposes of this discussion will suffice in defining my previous outlook and approach.
Connections
A healthy emotional connection means that you have the ability and willingness to share your feelings with one another — especially the more vulnerable ones such as sadness, fear, shame, or loneliness.
I think we can all agree that having an emotional connection within a relationship is chief among the target goals we establish for ourselves when entering a new romance or friendship.
That being said, it can be surprisingly difficult to develop such a connection without first acknowledging how certain attachment patterns of our past influence the way we seek and develop new relationships.
Building Stronger Connections
First and foremost, it remains paramount for change that we begin and continue to recognize the deep healing we must undertake in order to present ourselves as candidates worthy of a healthy connection.
This can be achieved by adhering to certain time-tested protocols which will only further enable our mental, emotional and spiritual growth.
Below are a few methods which have already benefited me greatly:
- Invest In Yourself.
In the weeks following ‘the toughest day’, I found myself feeling alone and abandoned.
In reality this wasn’t the case at all. I still had the consistent love and support of my friends and family. In fact they routinely mentioned how much they wanted to see me to do more for myself moving forward.
This sentiment prompted the all-too-sudden realization that I had abandoned my own growth at some point which wasn’t nearly as important as acknowledging that I had in turn grown complacent with the expectation that I would be cared for regardless.
Entitlement aside, this is precisely where I began to distinguish that I had defaulted into viewing my relationships through a lens of attachment rather than focusing on my own independent growth and maturity which in turn happen to be the fundamental building blocks for a healthy emotional connection.
The point more or less, is that your own fulfillment within all aspects of life should be prioritized in order to more effectively engage with others.
2. Be Present (with yourself and others).
If identifying the difference between attachments and connections is our entryway to growth than it stands to reason that we must remain firmly committed to identifying old habits while engaging new ones.
A conscious effort to reflect on ones thoughts, actions and desires in real time while garnering new and profound insight through the perspective of others is a huge step towards personal reconciliation and reinforced growth.
3. Be Patient.
Since time is construct what I truly mean to say is to give yourself space to grow and to learn.
If ‘old habits die hard’ then it becomes ever-more paramount to embrace all the time and space necessary for you to grow out of old attachment patterns and into new and vibrant connections.
Parting Thoughts
Whether it be through attachments or connections, one thing remains certain — Our relationships in life will come to define us.
By prioritizing our own growth and by rehearsing self-actualization, we can only further enrich these relationships.
If you enjoyed this article, consider joining Medium for unlimited access to even more thought-provoking writers from around the world for just $5/month.
Reference Material:
